11. Dear Queue Jumper

Dear Queue Jumper, Most people see a long queue and think, bugger. I hope it moves fast. But you see the queue and you know – you know – that that queue is not for you. I know the bank manager, you think. I’m friends with the owner. I went to school with the CEO. […]

10. Dear Christmas Warehouse

Dear Christmas Warehouse, With your lights and reindeer and mistletoe, trees, Santas, sleds and snow always on display – no matter what the time – effects and ephemera inscrutable to the clime, shooting forth tendrils of tinsel, kitsch-besmirched wall hangings, yard statues, mobiles, dioramas, singing penguins, of course singing penguins, because that makes sense. Oh! […]

9. Dear Man Over There

Dear Man Over There, From my desk tucked in behind my wardrobe, I can see your balcony – which is almost as big as my shoebox apartment. I can see all the balconies of all the apartments on this side of your building. Did you know, Man, that you are the only inhabitant of your […]

8. Dear Running Shoes

Dear Running Shoes, I used to have dreams where I would run and run for hours. Sometimes in my dreams I would lean back, and at a particular angle I could take my feet off the ground and yet keep on running. Sometimes I would think to myself – on a nice day at an […]

7. Dear Antarctic Wind

Dear Antarctic Wind, You cant beat Wellington on a good day, they say. Wellington can beat you on a bad day, they dont say but they should do. Wind, you harass me through these almost-modern streets, launching chip packets and my own hair into my face, whipping me, blinding me. The rain in Wellington comes […]

6. Dear St Patrick

Dear St Patrick, I passed a man on the street yesterday who was telling a girl that you killed a dragon and saved all Ireland. If he hadn’t been trying to get into the girl’s pants I would’ve stopped and corrected him. Yesterday was your name day but today I have passed not one but […]

5. Dear Aliens

Dear Aliens, When you come visit from space and step upon our beautiful bountiful Earth you may look about yourselves and be agog at our fantastic buildings and magnificent vistas and compare them to the barchan dunes of Mars. You may look at our hairy skin and the fur and scales of our animals and […]

4. Dear Green Bus

Dear Green Bus, I admire your waist to ceiling windows and I know enough about engineering to admire your structural ingenuity. I like your red arrows which show which way is forward, and I like your green pants and wheels and hat. But, Green Bus, I can’t help thinking that you’ve chosen that lovely lurid […]

3. Dear Sun

sun

Dear Sun, In London you wore a deep burqa. For so long you hid yourself in voluminous veils that I barely knew you anymore. I missed you. I longed to see your face again and I grew pale. You tease. You showed me your legs in Bratislava which made me sweat so much that my […]

2. Dear Drunk Destitute Lady

travelling hobo signs

Dear Drunk Destitute Lady, Today when you got down on your knees and looked under our table for cigarette butts, I looked down at my sandals, which I’d kicked off, to make sure you didn’t take them. I’m ashamed of that. What I really wanted to do was push the ashtray closer to you so […]